If you're thinking about no longer stepping in for someone you love who's struggling with addiction, you're probably also afraid of what happens next. Will things get worse? Is it cruel to let them face the consequences? A father asked me exactly that years ago, and I've never forgotten it.
About 10 years ago, I stood in front of a group of families at an outpatient rehab clinic where I worked at the time. They were all there for "family education day"—a room mixed with moms and dads, spouses, siblings, and adult children. Some of them were new to the process, sitting hopeful with their pens and notepads out—eager to see if I could offer any nuggets of wisdom about how they could help (I mean, finally, their loved one was in rehab! This could be a fresh start!)
But others in the room were exhausted, and frankly a little disillusioned by this type of family programming. See, for some of these families, this was not their first rodeo, or should I say, the first rehab that had told them how to act, what to do, how to respond to their addicted loved one. They were used to leaving these sessions with a list of terms in hand like "Detachment with Love" but still feeling alone in the complexity of their situation and left with impossible options.
We were discussing a topic that is fairly commonplace in rehab education—the idea that it's important to allow your addicted loved one to experience their own natural consequences. I could feel the tension rising off of this one particular father in the room until he finally spoke up:
"So, Karen, you have very young kids, do you not?" (I did at the time, and he had seen their smiling little faces in a photo in my office at some point.)
He continued, "One day, one of those kids will be 20 years old—maybe an adult legally, but still a kid in so many ways. Well, what if he does something that is just dumb…immature…a momentary terrible choice…and he lands a felony for possession with intent to sell cocaine. That's a felony. It's a momentary blip in his life's path, but with a HUGE consequence! You still have dreams for this kid, that he could be a doctor if he wants, or a teacher or anything! But that felony takes that all away. No more college scholarships, no more voting rights, certain careers off the table indefinitely unless you pay a lawyer to get that felony expunged."
Then he threw the punch, "Are you really telling me you would let that moment in his life define his opportunities for years to come?!" He was angry at his circumstances, and wanted me to sit in his pain with him. I understood. It was a fair question.
There are many tough questions I've been asked by families over the years where the answer I gave them has since changed, or matured, or become more nuanced as I've grown in my own understanding of this complex disease. But I've thought about this question, and my answer, over the years. And in this case, it has not changed now that my kids are much closer to the age his adult child was. In fact, my own parenting has been deeply influenced by what I've learned from the work that I do.
My response: "Admittedly, I don't know if I'd assist my kid in getting through that particular consequence. I agree, it would be a big price for them to pay. It would depend on the specific circumstances, where it fell in the context of other choices they were making in their life, how culpable I felt they were for the offense. But I do know that an isolated poor choice is different than a pattern. And if I saw my (adult) child in a pattern of reckless choices, I genuinely believe that the best way I could love them in that moment, and give them the best shot at growing, is to get out of the way and let them experience their own natural consequences."
The only true exception I would make to this philosophy is that I would intercept (within reason) in a case of imminent and avoidable harm such as drunk driving that could kill an innocent civilian or intervening on an overdose. While those examples are indeed profound natural consequences, they are not opportunities for growth, but irreversible tragedies and a game over. That's different terrain. But generally speaking…yes, let them face their consequences.
If someone's life is at risk right now, call 911, or call or text 988.
Why natural consequences matter so much in addiction
A question that I think deserves a bit deeper discussion: WHY are natural consequences so important for a substance abusing individual to face? I mean, let's start with the premise that natural consequences (addiction aside) are not a punishment—just nature unfolding. But when it comes to addiction, there is even a more profound reason that these consequences matter.
But in order to get there, let's start here: In Kindergarten many of us were read the classic children's story If You Give a Mouse a Cookie—it's a whimsical little story about how one thing leads to another, a basic introduction into the concept of Cause and Effect. It starts "If you give a mouse a cookie, then he will ask for a glass of milk…" and continues on to a series of silly but natural "if, then" scenarios that come next.
And while the lesson is playful, the wisdom is sound. In life, it starts simple. If you kick a ball, then it rolls. If you forget your homework at home, then you get a 0 for the day. And this nature can be uncomfortable at times, but nature promises an effect, not a soft pillow on which to always land.
This same sound logic holds as life becomes more complicated.
If you miss 3 days of work without explanation, then you will be fired.
If you crash your car, then you will have to take the bus.
If you break the law, then you will go to jail.
But families of addicted individuals often become fixated on intercepting this natural cause and effect process. Why? Because it's painful to watch, because it's painful to feel! Unfortunately, the addicted brain capitalizes on this well-intended family response: "If my own actions lead to consequences, then my family will step in and fix it. If my family fixes it, then I can keep using." It's a far more dangerous version of mouses and cookies.
What happens when you stop enabling
However, when families do the hard work (and it IS hard work!) of stepping back and allowing the natural consequences to occur, the addicted-brain goes through an initial process of resistance ("That's not fair! What…you don't love me anymore?"). You may have unintentionally taught them that "love means unconditional protection from pain," so their initial response to the change may be anger, manipulation, fear-mongering, or depression.
But we can make a steady shift to "love means getting out of the way," and with this, the addicted-brain eventually, and unequivocally begins to understand an essential survival concept:
"If I continue to live my life this way, then things are going to get more painful. If I don't want things to get more painful, then I need to change my path."
In 20 years of treating recovering substance abusers, this hard truth has repeated itself without fail in every case of successful, long term recovery I've seen. Recovery began when the consequences got too big and no one saved them.
That doesn't mean stepping back comes with a guarantee. No one can promise when, or whether, someone will choose recovery. But it does mean you're no longer standing between your loved one and the very lessons that make recovery possible.
7 ways families unintentionally protect a loved one from natural consequences
So, as promised, and with the above context to set the scene, here are the behaviors I most often see from families that unintentionally rob an addicted loved one of the opportunity to see, and learn from, the natural cause and effect of their own actions:
1. Allowing an addicted loved one to repeatedly be disrespectful and/or inconsiderate without setting boundaries.
Robbed opportunity: If I treat people with disrespect, then the natural consequence is that they will pull away.
2. Repairing relationships or repairing their image for them.
Robbed opportunity: If I damage relationships or self image, then the natural consequence is that I owe those people personal amends for my actions and patience to rebuild their trust.
3. Allowing repeated dishonesty from them.
Robbed opportunity: If I lie or live dishonestly, then the natural consequence is that I will not be trusted by those around me and will lose the natural privileges that come with trust.
4. Repeatedly paying or supplementing someone's living expenses when they are capable of working but fail to seek or maintain employment, avoid personal responsibility, or prioritize drugs or alcohol over their financial obligations.
Robbed opportunity: If I don't responsibly manage a job and live within my means, then the natural consequence is that I face financial insecurity and hardship.
5. Allowing an addicted loved one's repeated behaviors to hold other household/family members hostage (i.e. everyone walks on eggshells).
Robbed opportunity: If I'm not a considerate family member, then the natural consequence is that I'm not welcome to participate in certain family privileges.
6. A pattern of bailing them out of legal consequences.
Robbed opportunity: If I follow the basic laws and etiquette of society, then I get to benefit from the resources of that society. If not, then I face personal penalty determined by the legal system.
7. A pattern of replacing or bearing the burden of their damaged property (or your property that they damaged).
Robbed opportunity: If I damage my own or someone else's property due to my choices or behaviors, then I am responsible for repairing or replacing it—or living without it if I cannot afford to do so.
The next time a familiar crisis lands in your lap, a few questions can help you slow down before you step in again:
Is this an isolated poor choice, or part of a pattern?
Is anyone in immediate danger, or is this painful but survivable?
Am I allowing this consequence, or causing it?
If I step in, what will my loved one learn about cause and effect?
Is this a decision I can stick with when the pushback comes?
Sorting out which consequences to allow, and how to hold steady through the resistance, is a big part of what we work through together in Empowering Families That Face Addiction, my private online course for families.
"Isn't this just tough love?"
Some of these may initially sound like punitive measures, tough love, or even vengeance. But I encourage you to look at them through the same lens that we would look at holding ourselves accountable, or an employee, a political figure, a physician or police officer that we count on for society to function properly. We all have jobs in this world, starting with personal responsibility.
It can be our first instinct (particularly as a family member) to adapt our own behavior and dampen our own expectations of someone who is living in dysfunction, but in the case of addiction, this actually strengthens the addiction, not the addicted person we desperately wish would change.
The truth is, I've worked with countless recovering people in my career and while some come out of their addictive mind set kicking and screaming, long term recovery eventually affords a great appreciation for accountability. Dignity comes with accountability. Confidence comes with accountability. Self-Worth and a sense of healthy identity comes with accountability. I can be held accountable to the same natural laws as everyone else…and I'm doing it! Many people in active addiction have never experienced this feeling prior to recovery and feel tremendous pride and accomplishment when they rise to the task.
I've seen recovering clients brought to tears (of joy and pride) the first time they followed through on this logic:
"If I manage my paycheck responsibly, then for the first time, I'll be able to buy Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews with my own money!"
And another:
"If I gradually rebuild trust with my adult children, then they will allow me to begin spending time with my grandkids again!"
Cause and effect. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. If you give your loved one the opportunity to face his own natural consequences, then he has a real shot at finding the gift of recovery.
Not sure which of your ways of helping might be getting in the way? My free 15-minute mini-session walks you through the "co-addiction stew," the four predictable ingredients that pull loving families off course, so you can start to see the pattern in your own home before deciding what to change.
This post is educational and isn't a substitute for therapy. For guidance specific to your situation, please talk with a licensed professional in your area.