Diana, a client of mine, left me a voicemail. Here's what it said: "Hey Karen. I was just talking with my friend, Stacy, who understands addiction because her mom was an alcoholic her whole life. I was asking for advice on what I should do about my brother. I think he's drinking again. You know, he's a good guy, he just struggles. I'm worried about him."
Diana continues, "Stacy told me I am an enabler if I do anything but block his number. She told me 'you need to detach with love.'"
"I get that she is trying to help…trying to look out for me. But that advice just feels so black and white. Like I am failing somehow if I have any heart for him. That can't be right. I was hoping we could set up a time to talk about whether there is any gray area with this sort of thing. Call me back."
I was glad she called. I was glad she had listened to her intuition. I was glad she recognized there was room for thoughtful discussion before impulsively jumping into her next step.
There is a profoundly accurate quote by Toni Sorenson: "Addiction is a thief that steals the stuff that really matters: happiness, peace, love, contentment, opportunity, memories."
Addiction IS a thief. It robs the substance abuser of so much. But it also robs the family—of their time and energy, finances, resources. It robs them of joyful moments, of restful sleep and sanity.
And because families facing addiction already have a thief in their life, I remind myself—don't become another thief that robs a family member of what feels right to them, just because I think I know what's best.
Let me be clear. When a friend, an Al-Anon sponsor, a clergy member, or a therapist tells a family "you have to detach," I know it's not only well-intended, but also possibly very sound advice!
To Stacy—I can only imagine, based on your own experience with your mom (perhaps years of trying to fix, stop, or control her drinking), that learning you could detach with love afforded you a sense of peace and freedom after years of heartache. I imagine all you wanted to do was save your friend Diana from all the pain you went through to get there. What a good friend you were being. Truly.
But here's something I've learned in my work. Sometimes, in trying to put someone on a fast track to peace and freedom—("Don't do what I did! Learn from my mistakes!")—we may also be unknowingly robbing them of their own journey. It's the journey that gets us to the peace and freedom…or at least the understanding and acceptance of what we can and can't control.
What does it mean to detach with love?
Detaching with love is a term that showed up as part of the Al-Anon movement as far back as the 1950s. In simple terms, to detach with love means stepping back from the parts of a relationship that have become unhealthy, without withdrawing your love for the person.
For many people, detachment with love (sometimes called loving detachment) is a concept of true empowerment. It represents a much needed release from the entanglement of a loved one's addiction. It is a reclaiming of self (our rights, our needs, our boundaries) after being consumed by the greedy theft of addiction.
When "detach with love" starts to feel like a test
For others, however, detachment with love can feel like a statement with a twinge of shaming attached to it: "Oh, you haven't detached with love from your brother yet?" And that family member hears "Oh, you must not be strong enough, courageous enough, you must be a pushover."
I sometimes have families like Diana come in to see me, and they will start a session with, "You're gonna be disappointed in me. I know I'm supposed to detach with love from [my brother], but this weekend I couldn't help it, I was weak, I let him ___." And they proceed to share what strikes me as some reasonably humane thing they did, like letting the brother sleep on their sofa, or borrow their car, or work around the house to earn a few bucks. That doesn't make them a criminal! But when it becomes an unproductive pattern, it requires some additional thought.
When I hear this type of apologetic, perceived-failure statement from a client, my heart breaks for a moment. I am the one who has failed if I've educated about detachment with love in a way that left someone feeling like they are here to pass a test! To seek my approval or disappointment. A term meant to empower has become that sneaky thief!
So let's be clear about something. Detachment with love is not a universal destination for all addicted families. And it's not a concept only to be viewed in the context of extremes:
Either you are a certified, card-carrying, "part of the problem" enabler
OR you succeeded at detaching with love.
Related: How to Help a Loved One With Addiction Without Enabling Them
Needing to detach from someone you love is not a victory; it's the result of the disease of addiction forcing your hand. The choice to detach with love comes when continuing to do it the same way would be unhealthy for you, for them, or for both.
Why families need to detach in the first place
Let me explain. The disease of addiction changes a person's value structure. It takes values like honesty, respect, trustworthiness, and safety, and gradually replaces them with impulsivity, instant gratification, and discomfort avoidance. This presents differently in different people. In some people struggling with addiction, we may see overt behaviors like lying and stealing, but in others it may be more subtle, such as a decreased work ethic, less emotional availability, or selfish decision making. Regardless of how these changes show up, they begin to affect the people around them.
At this point, family members have a choice: absorb these new negative behaviors, or begin setting boundaries. The good news, though (and this matters!), is that we don't have to completely disengage from the person, only from the parts of the relationship that have become unhealthy. Unhealthy for YOU or unhealthy for THEM.
Is detaching with love the same as abandoning someone?
For some family members, when we start using the language of detachment with love, they picture a cruel abandonment of a struggling loved one—So I'm just supposed to let them die alone in a ditch?!
And for other family members, fed up and hurt by years of their loved one's addiction, they picture a resentful withdrawal—I'm done! If they want to keep self-destructing, then go for it—just don't come crying to me!
But what if we didn't think of detachment with love in such extremes?
What if we began to think of it, not as an abandonment of our loved one, but as small rebellions against the disease itself? A statement: I love the person, but I deserve better than to be held hostage by their addiction.
How to emotionally detach from an addicted loved one: small rebellions against the disease
Here are some examples of what I mean by small rebellions:
The choice to leave your cellphone in the car during a dinner party so you can be present with friends, rather than being fully available for their next demanding phone call.
The choice to shut off the tracking app rather than checking to see if they are at the liquor store again, knowing it would ruin your day if they are.
The choice to calmly state, "I can tell you're having a bad day, but you're being unkind. So I am going to hang up."
In some cases, the question isn't about how their behaviors are affecting you; it's about how your behaviors are affecting them (or fueling their disease). One mom recently told me, "It's not about the money, I'm fortunate to be financially comfortable. But I know if I keep giving it to her, it's like a free pass to keep using! I can't control if she continues to use…but I can decide if I want to keep sponsoring the event!"
How much should you detach? The Detachment Spectrum
Some family members who come to see me are utterly drowning in the chaos of their loved one's addiction, facing significant financial, emotional, physical, and relationship tolls for their involvement with their addicted loved one.
Paying for rehab after rehab has eaten through their 401k.
The constant stress of their loved one's chaos is worsening their heart condition.
Police have shown up 3 nights in a row and the young kids in the house are getting scared.
The more unsustainable the situation, the more assertive the detachment may need to be.
Others, though, like Diana, may be playing a more peripheral role or may have an addicted loved one who respects their boundaries most of the time. She may have a different dynamic with her brother than Stacy had with her mom.
Perhaps Stacy learned through a process of trial and error that anytime she opened the door to a relationship with her mom, her mom took advantage, manipulated her, or guilted her into doing something she later regretted. If Stacy's journey took her to a place of total and complete detachment with love (where maybe she can pray for her mom from a distance, but chooses to have no contact with her anymore)—that's what empowerment feels like to Stacy.
Perhaps Diana is at a point with her brother where she still loves talking with him, but is uncomfortable when he calls her after 5pm, the time of day when he usually starts slurring his speech and asking for money. So for Diana, detaching only from those after-5pm conversations is what feels like empowerment.
Both scenarios are okay! And both women may make adjustments over time, based on the status of their loved one's disease and their own needs. Detachment with love is not black or white. I think of it more as The Detachment Spectrum.
A full and complete detachment with love is a last resort—but what's most important is that as a family member you understand you have options. You may find that you used to like being the person they came to with their problems, but now you've come to resent it. Things change! Maybe you're tired of them asking for advice but never following through. Maybe you want them to feel loved and supported, but you also have other people in your life you care about who deserve your time and attention too. Maybe as their disease has progressed, those 5pm drunken calls are now happening earlier and earlier in the day.
Figuring out where you are on that spectrum, and adjusting as things change, is a big part of what we work through together in Empowering Families That Face Addiction, my private online course for families.
Don't forget the love in detach with love
The second half of detachment with love is also not to be forgotten. Love. And sometimes this takes some creativity and outside-of-the-box thinking:
Maybe they can't be around the kids right now, but you can meet at a dog park so they can have a short visit with the family dog.
Maybe you are done providing money, but you don't mind picking up a Costco-size box of toiletries they need.
Maybe you let them know you can't be a part of their life until they are sober, but acknowledge that you haven't done everything right either and make amends for your part.
There are many ways to show love while still detaching where necessary. You can even divorce someone in a loving way: "This marriage is no longer healthy for me, but I know you are struggling too and I hope you find your own peace."
Your job, like Diana's, is to remain tuned into your needs, and to remain tuned into whether you are still playing a healthy role in their life as well. How you get there is more of an art than a science.
If you've been feeling stuck between those two extremes, either doing everything for them or cutting them off completely, I wrote more about finding that middle ground in How to Help a Loved One With Addiction Without Enabling Them.
Not sure where your family falls on the Detachment Spectrum? My free 15-minute mini-session walks you through the "co-addiction stew," the four predictable ingredients that pull loving families off course, so you can start to see which parts of the relationship need a little distance and which parts still have room for love.
This post is educational and isn't a substitute for therapy. For guidance specific to your situation, please talk with a licensed professional in your area.